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I watched ‘House Group’ the film the place Kevin James performs Sean Payton, so that you don’t must


It’s at present 3:00 a.m. and I deliberately stayed up ready for Netflix to launch House Group. I really feel that is essential to say, as a result of it explains the place my life is at proper now. That I, a authorized grownup with precise duties, waited up till 3:00 a.m. in anticipation of a film the place Kevin James performs Sean Payton.

I point out this for 2 causes: Firstly, this isn’t meant to be a film evaluate. That’s not likely my core competency. Secondly, it’s 3:00 a.m. and I made it 27 seconds right into a film the place Kevin James is taking part in Sean Payton, and this all seems like a fever dream. Let’s go.

So issues open up with highlights of Super Bowl XLIV when the Saints beat the Colts, and I’m blown away by how apparent they’re making Payton’s gum chewing a factor. I imply, the dude likes to chew gum throughout video games, and his love of Juicy Fruit is understood — however James is over right here chawing continuous, mouth open, like a cow with its cud. What the hell is occurring right here?

Then, a couple of minutes later, I get my reply. An assistant knocks on the door of Payton’s workplace and his first phrases are “Are you able to give me a chunk of Juicy Fruit?” then a protracted, lingering shut up on packs of the gum in a bowl. WE’RE 2:48 IN AND THERE’S ALREADY PRODUCT PLACEMENT FOR GUM! THAT WAS THE ENTIRE POINT OF THE WEIRD CHEWING TO START THE MOVIE … TO GET TO THIS SHOT OF A GUM BOWL!

So far as this film tells us, Sean Payton doesn’t personal a single piece of clothes that isn’t Saints gear. We had this lengthy, pensive shot of him ingesting a glass of scotch and watching ESPN after being suspended for Bounty Gate, and he’s in his front room sporting full workforce gear and a visor. Moments later, when he decides to go to Texas to see his household, he walks right into a resort foyer — once more, in full Saints gear. Then he heads to the agricultural stadium to see his son’s workforce play, once more, full Saints gear. It’s bizarre and …

CREEPY ROB SCHNEIDER SIGHTING.

We made it 8:51 earlier than Adam Sandler put one other of his associates on this factor. Lol, omg he’s the brand new man in Payton’s ex-wife’s life. So someplace in an alternate universe a girl left Kevin James to be with Rob Schneider. That could be a cursed sentence.

I’ve completely no concept who this film was made for. It’s not humorous, and so far as I can inform it’s not likely making an attempt to be a comedy. It’s additionally not a drama, as a result of they sprinkle in these jokes that by no means land, whereas additionally making an attempt to inform a deep story of parental reconciliation as Payton tied to make up for misplaced time along with his son.

Taylor Lautner is ok. I’m mentioning this as a result of I really feel unhealthy for not saying something about him.

This film is simply unbearable. They’re discovering each attainable strategy to drag out one story beat for so long as attainable. Oh God there’s 58 minutes left. How is there nonetheless an hour of this film? It feels prefer it’s been going for 2 hours already.

So, we get probably the most illuminating scene of this film to date. Slowly breaking down the partitions along with his son, a late night time chat ends in Payton’s son asking him if he was accountable for Bounty Gate. They simply gloss over this with him saying “it’s difficult,” and he provides “if you’re the top coach it’s all on you.” So that they’re simply going to disregard this complete factor.

I feel I labored out the problem right here. There’s no antagonists on this complete film. That’s why it feels so gradual and boring. I’m an hour in and there’s no motivation for something taking place on the display. We simply had the compulsory “underdog begins to win” montage, however there’s no massive unhealthy workforce for them to beat, there’s no purpose. It simply meanders from scene to scene with nothing of not taking place.

So, the workforce has turned it round and so they’re speaking concerning the “massive sport,” so this needs to be wrapping up quickly, proper? HOW ARE THERE 44 MINUTES LEFT?! HOW HAS THIS ONLY BEEN 14 MINUTES?!

Okay, right here we’ve got an antagonist. There’s a workforce known as “The Porcupines” and so they’re clearly evil. The opposing coach is mocking Sean Payton. No one mocks Sean Payton — and the native information is reporting on this rural Texas pee wee sport. So now the entire motivation is to beat the Porcupines I suppose.

We simply had a 5 minute apart the place the workforce needs to assist the kicker in his love life. Clearly he’s by no means talked to his crush earlier than, but it surely’s Payton’s vivid concept to have the workforce come and serenade her, at her home, at night time, to win her love. Once more, she’s NEVER TALKED TO THIS KID, so it’s mainly stalking. They launch some lanterns and one burns down a tree and destroys the household’s van. The scene closes with the lady’s mother in tears. There is no such thing as a decision.

Everyone seems to be projectile vomiting in gradual movement throughout a sport now as a result of they ate snacks made by Rob Schneider. They’re utilizing the puke as a weapon towards the opponents. That is the stupidest factor to date and this film was already actually dumb.

So it’s the championship sport and Payton is taking this all method too significantly. All the youngsters are hating soccer and he’s changed into a tyrant. After getting known as out he’s rediscovered the love of the sport and now we’ve bought the massive comeback montage. On crucial play of the sport he’s placing within the lowly, struggling kicker to get his alternative at glory, as a result of some issues are extra essential than profitable.

He missed and hit the scoreboard, and it exploded for some cause. Now the scoreboard is burning and fireworks are spewing out of it. Why was this rigged with pyrotechnics?

OH MY GOD SEAN PAYTON IS A JANITOR AND HE IS WEARING A WIG IN THE FINAL SCENE OF THIS MOVIE!

Payton put the second place trophy in entrance of the Lombardi Trophy in his workplace, as a result of he realized a worthwhile lesson about life. I realized a lesson too: This film sucked. I’m going to mattress.

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