I’m an absolute sucker for diving into the depths of the official NFL Store to seek out the weirdest gadgets on provide, however I’m not used to discovering pure, unbridled horror. Then I discovered the “New England Patriots Holiday Tiki Mascot Ornament” and I’ll by no means be the identical once more.
This monstrosity is on sale for $2.80, which is $2.80 an excessive amount of. This isn’t a present, it’s a curse. You invite this horrific Patriot into your own home and immediately you’ll be able to’t discover your scissors, then the chef’s knife is gone. You sweep all of it off as a mistake, certainly you simply misplaced them whereas eager about different issues. That’s till the one you love animals begin lacking, lastly it’s too late and the tiki decoration is killing your loved ones in a hellish massacre.
It ought to be famous that the Patriot isn’t the only tiki ornament available on NFL Shop, there are a number of — however solely the Pats one is $2.80, as a result of even the NFL is aware of how cursed it’s.
Probably the most alarming a part of that is that the Pats decoration is listed as “nearly gone,” that means that individuals have truly been buying these for themselves, buddies, or family members. Why you’d invite this into your private home is past me, however I’m simply so very afraid for anybody who opens this factor as a present.